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Looking back at many conversations with my teenage son, I began to see how often he would tell me something about his day. However, I don’t think I was listening to him very much then, rather I would respond by telling him how I would handle it or how I feel about it. Maybe I would ask one or two questions but it was with the intent of seeing what advice I could give him. My focus was on me, and my job as his mother.  What I was teaching him was how to handle life from my perspective. What I should have been doing was helping him develop his own critical thinking skills so he could handle life from his perspective. Certainly he needed guidance and help, but in truth I was providing that by example, as he watched how I handled life and responded to things. What I was teaching him in these conversations, however, was how to tell others what to do, rather than how to work through a challenge and use his own thinking skills.

Not surprisingly, he wasn't very receptive to my unsolicited advice.  Maybe if he had asked for it, then he would have wanted to hear what I said.  Of course our teens need input and advice but I wasn't giving him the opportunity to ask for it. This asking for input is, in itself, a lesson for teens to learn and part of what we, as parents, can help encourage.  What if I had asked questions like:  "Have you decided how you are going to handle this situation?" "What about that made you angry?" "Why do you think that will work"?   This interaction would have helped me to learn much more about his thinking and reasoning.  Then, I could have responded with questions to prod his thinking and give him the opportunity to ask for my thoughts, if he wanted them.

I began to see how the scripture, "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19) applied to parenting.  I was far too quick to become angry at his actions.  I was not quick to listen and learn what he was thinking, and I was definitely too quick to give him my thinking and tell him what I would do.  I didn't realize then that the message I was sending to him was that he wasn't competent enough to think these things through on his own.  I needed to quiet my own mind and listen to what he was saying.  I needed to ask questions that would prompt responses from him and then build him up on how well he could think things through and come up with a solution.

You may ask, "But what if he didn't come up with the right or best solution?"  Well, then he would have learned a good lesson and I could have been there to support him as he worked through that and encouraged him as he determined how to proceed.  Then, afterwards I could have asked him what he learned from this and perhaps how he could apply it to something in the future.  Bottom line, I would have been encouraging his thinking processes and teaching him how to use the very intelligent brain God gave him. He himself said one of his greatest challenges was thinking how good something sounded but then he wouldn't consider how wise or smart the idea was before acting. I can't help but think that I contributed to that challenge.

As I began to apply these principles to our conversations, I found that we would have far fewer arguments and I felt a lot less stress. Why? Because this helped me give the responsibility for his actions to him rather than take it upon myself. I still have a lot of growing to do but now that he is a young adult, our relationship is much better.

What if you asked more questions and listened with a desire to encourage your teens thinking rather than listening with the intent of telling them what you would do?  You may disagree with most, if not all of what they say, but you will learn far more about them as a person than if you were just to give them 'why you think they are wrong' or 'how they should think differently' speeches.  Our goal as parents should be to help teens become independent of us––scary as that can be at times––which is why we must listen and do our best to help them develop thinking skills.  Ask yourself, could you help your teen learn how to think through problems? What types of questions could you ask them in order to get them thinking about and analyzing their situation?  If you, as a parent, listen more and talk less, you may be surprised to see your teen asking for your input and wanting to hear what you have to say.  You have many life experiences that can benefit your teen, sometimes you just need to pause and wait to be invited to receptive ears.